1st
And I write…
This is my prayer tonight.
I lie by the fire in my apartment and wonder my existence. This does not mean I am searching for a new life to live or a trend of any kind to follow, simply, am I in the right place? Am I “Jonah” right now? Everything has been much more difficult lately and it is next to impossible to tell whether or not it is a trial to test my perseverance or a sign to re-navigate my course. I feel empty, but I shouldn’t. C.S. Lewis writes about how the devil’s goal is not to push ideas into our minds, but rather to keep them out (Screwtape Letters). So easily I stray from what I know and cherish to things uncertain and mundane. I trade life, love, and anything in between for the lint at the bottom of my shallow jean pockets.
Taylor Thomas (whom I have not actually met, but randomly… and somewhat creepily follow on tumblr…) posted Romans 8:37 not too long ago. It says, “No, despite all these things, OVERWHELMING victory is ours through Christ, who loved us”. The context precedes and proceeds to explain how we cannot escape, leave, fall away from, run from, hide from, or any other form of separation from Your love. This emptiness I feel is something that can only be filled with the One that is love and loves unconditionally. Swallow me like an unending ocean. Consume me like a fire that cannot be quenched by wood or fuel. Questions float through my head, as Lewis portrays, only because I am making room for them. My will is strong and my faith is stronger. Keep me in Your hands.
My body is weak and my mind is weaker. These past few months have drained me and there is no end within visibility. Do not lighten my load, but make my shoulders stronger. Christ, You know me inside out, you created me from nothing. You defied science for me to exist. You formed an undefinable soul and mind and called it Your own child, me. Make me understand. Give me the wisdom to know that trusting You is my steadfast and stronghold. My life is a series of awkward transitions and I LOVE You for it. Comfortability is my biggest enemy, and You know that. Keep me on my toes.
Bless You, Lord, with my actions. As a representative of the only truth in this world, my actions are my witness. Open my eyes to Your grace and mercy.
My song of praise is my life. Take my humble offering and use my hands, Father.
Amen.
